


New Year

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amnesia, Angst, Arguing, Binge Drinking, Crying, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Emetophobia, Hangover, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Intoxication, Memories, Memory Loss, Mental Illness, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, alcohol use, emetophobia triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28458462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: Deceit has a yearly tradition, but this year is different than before. This year, Thomas and the other sides find out about it.(Note: the alcohol warnings aren’t for his ‘tradition’)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 119





	New Year

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s another ‘Deceit kinda has amnesia fic’.
> 
> Happy New Year :3! (I was waiting to post this today lol)

The year was coming to a close, and to Deceit, that meant it was almost time for him to complete his yearly ritual. 

Every year, during the first week after New Year’s, he did some… tidying up. For most people, that meant sorting closets, dusting old knick knacks, and generally cleaning one’s surroundings. For Deceit, his cleaning was more internal.

Put simply, Deceit deleted his memories every year.

Not all of them, of course- just anything that he didn’t deem necessary any longer. 

… Which applied to most of his memories. 

At first, it really was just a bit of tidying up. He would just repress a few memories here and there when he didn’t want to deal with them anymore. But as time went on, he started deleting more and more every year, and by now, he only left enough so that he had a vague understanding of what occurred in the past. He couldn’t delete  _ everything _ , after all, or the others would notice. Though, he only needed to leave enough that he could  _ pretend _ he knew what the others were talking about. 

He usually didn’t spend very much time with the other sides or Thomas (Hell, Thomas hadn’t even known about him all that long), so he didn’t have to worry too much about them bringing up things that happened in the past that he should remember. And if they  _ did _ mention something, he had an easy enough time going along with it.

Deceit knew he had some kind of a past with Virgil, something that made him hate him, though the details of that relationship were long gone from his mind. He was sure he did something villainous and Virgil got mad. He knew that, whatever happened, it was the last straw for the anxious side.

He also had only a surface-level knowledge on his relationships with the others from before this year. Patton didn’t like him because of morals, Logan found him to be annoying, and Roman thought he was evil but liked his compliments. 

But in this past year, Thomas had accepted him, and his relationships with the other sides had changed. Now, Patton had realized that lying was necessary, Logan enjoyed debating with him, and Roman realized that they shared a love of theatre and that some of Deceit’s compliments were genuine. Even Virgil tolerated his presence now, even if he wasn’t exactly  _ overjoyed _ to see him whenever he popped up.

As such, Deceit had been spending a lot more time with the others recently. He joined in on discussions and movie nights and baking sessions and whatever other gatherings he got invited to. Which made it harder to pretend he always knew what was going on, but he was  _ Deceit _ . All it took was some misdirection and a joke or two, and the others didn’t even notice that he avoided anything that relied too much on exact knowledge of the past. 

He was currently participating in a group gathering. It was New Year’s Eve, and everyone decided to have a party. So, they had all gathered in Thomas’s living room to watch the ball drop on TV, though that still wasn’t for about half an hour. Half of them, including Janus, were sprawled across Thomas’s couch, while the other half was sitting on the floor. Some of them were drinking champagne or wine or whatever was in that bottle. 

Janus wasn’t drunk. Nope. Janus, of all sides, was most definitely  _ not _ drunk.

… He was  _ plastered _ .

“Hey, buddy, you doing alright over there?” 

It was Thomas who asked the question, though he wasn’t sure exactly what spurred the asking of the question. Was it because Deceit’s facade had fallen? Did he look drunk? Sick? Sad? Or had Thomas just seen how many times he’d refilled his glass already?

“... Yuuuuup. I’m aaaaaalllll goooood,” Janus replied, his words stretching out as he tried to turn to face Thomas.

Instead of succeeding, however, he ended up leaning into Thomas’s side instead.

“Are you sure? You seem…  _ pretty _ drunk…,” Thomas pointed out.

“Who,  _ me? _ ” Janus drawled. “When h’ve you  _ ever _ seen me dr’nk?”

“... You’re literally holding a glass of champagne, Jekyll and Lied.”

“ _ Whaaaaaaat? _ ” Janus spoke, sounding surprised. “No’m not!”

“Well, then what is it, then?”

“... Ke’chup?”

And then he brought the glass to his lips and chugged whatever was left in it. It burned, but he had long-since grown used to it. Once he was done, he felt someone take the glass out of his hand. Deceit whined, but he didn’t even register that he made a sound.

“I think you’ve had enough, bud.”

He shifted and started leaning toward whoever was sitting next to him instead of Thomas, who had betrayed him. 

“Y’kno… I don’ r’lly like ke’chup…”

“... Should we bring him back to his room? He looks like he’s gonna pass out.”

Janus cuddled closer to the warmth at his side. The alcohol made him feel warmer, but it was winter, so he was still cold. 

“W’nna watch…,” he mumbled in protest, even though his eyes were shutting.

Someone sighed.

“I don’t know, I think I’d rather watch him in case he throws up.”

“How much did he drink, anyway?”

“At least a bottle, I think?”

“I’m pretty sure he drank some of the wine, too…”

“Oh, yeah, Dee’s  _ wasted _ .”

“... Well, shit.”

Deceit faded out for a while before he felt someone shaking him.

“Janus, the countdown’s starting soon. Do you wanna wake up to see it?”

“...‘Kay…”

He tried to sit up but couldn’t quite do it. Whoever it was who woke him up ended up helping him.

“FIVE!”

“FOUR!”

“THREE!”

“TWO!”

“ONE!”

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”

“... yaaaaaaaayyyyy,” Janus cheered quietly before flopping back over.

He heard the others chattering for a while, though most of it went over his head.

“So, should we leave him here?”

“I mean, I guess? At least I’ll hear him if he wakes up sick during the night.”

After some period of time Deceit couldn’t define if he tried, he felt someone sit next to him on the couch and ruffle a hand through his hair.

“Good night, kiddo. Happy New Year.”

He melted into the touch.

“Hmmm… New… G’nna missss thisss,” he mumbled tiredly.

“What do you mean, kiddo?”

“Missss the year…”

“Well, the year might be over, but now we have another, and I’m sure it’ll be just as good as this one! Better, even!”

“It is true that the beginning of a New Year is arbitrary, and this celebration doesn’t actually change anything.”

“No… g’ne… ssssoon…”

“Gone soon? What’ll be gone soon?”

“Guys, he’s drunk. He isn’t going to make sense.”

“Aaaallll g’ne…,” Deceit repeated. “G’nna misssss… you…. guyssss.”

“... What?”

“Deceit, what does that mean?”

“Dee?”

“Janus, is something wrong?”

Deceit could hear them trying to get his attention, but he was too tired to respond or even figure out what they wanted from him.

“Night night…,” he replied instead as he fell asleep.

Deceit woke up the next day to sunlight shining in his eyes and his head feeling like Remus hit it with his morningstar. Repeatedly. He sat up with a groan and rubbed his eyes. 

Approximately three seconds later, he was hit by a wave of nausea and bolted up and into the bathroom, not noticing that there were six pairs of eyes staring at him. As he threw up the contents of his stomach, he felt a hand rubbing his back soothingly, and he didn’t register that Patton was talking to him until he was finished. Once he was empty and he sat back on the bathroom floor, the other side handed him a glass. Deceit took it and gulped it down gratefully, even though his stomach probably wouldn’t be too happy about it.

“Are you okay, kiddo?”

Janus gripped the glass in his hand as he looked up at Patton.

“Of course. Never better,” he replied, making his voice sound like it always did. 

Or, he tried. Patton just frowned at him, so maybe he didn’t exactly succeed. With a small sigh, Deceit summoned some painkillers and swallowed a few dry. In hindsight, he probably should have summoned the pills  _ before _ drinking the water, but everyone knows what they say about hindsight. Patton didn’t seem very pleased by his taking of the painkillers, but oh well. His head hurt, and he wasn’t going to sit and do nothing about it.

“Hey, Janus…,” Patton spoke after they sat in silence for a while. “The others and I kinda have to talk to you… Okay?”

Deceit felt himself tense the slightest bit, though he managed to keep his face expressionless. He must have said or done something last night, and now the others were angry at him. Well, whatever. He was going to delete his memories soon anyway, so he would forget about their anger soon enough anyway.

“Very well,” he agreed, standing up on his unfortunately shaky legs.

Deceit still felt like crap, but throwing up and drinking some water had helped a bit. The pills would help too, once they kicked in. 

He followed Patton back into what he now realized was Thomas’s living room, where the others had all gathered. He must have fallen asleep in the real world, then.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing all of your  _ beautiful  _ faces this morning?”

“Janus, we all have the same face,” Virgil pointed out. “And it’s 3:17 in the afternoon.”

Deceit glanced toward the clock.

“So it is.”

Thomas stepped forward.

“Janus, look… we… have some concerns,” Thomas began.

Ooo, concerns. Well, that couldn’t be good.

“Go on, then.”

“Well, to start with, you… drank a  _ lot _ last night,” he continued. “Do you do that a lot?”

Ah, Thomas probably wasn’t very happy that Deceit had passed out drunk on his couch.

“Not too often,” he responded. “It hardly matters, though. I’m a figment of your imagination, Thomas. It’s not like I’ll get alcohol poisoning.”

“... You sure? Because you can apparently have a hangover.”

Deceit unconsciously straightened his capelet.

“I merely lost track of how much I was drinking last night, Thomas,” he responded. “I was caught up in all the festivities.”

“How do you  _ accidentally _ drink an entire bottle of champagne-”

“Anyway,” Deceit cut off Roman, who made some offended noises. “If that’s all, then I should be on my way.”

“Hold on, Janus,” Thomas denied as Patton placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to keep him from sinking out.

“Yes, what is it?”

Thomas let out a sigh.

“Okay, we can talk about the drinking later,” Thomas told him. “But we _ are _ going to get back to that. But right now, we need to ask you about what you said last night.”

Well crap.

“I’m afraid I don’t recall.”

He probably wouldn’t recall this soon, either. Thomas gave him a look, and Deceit was surprised to see that it looked sad.

“Janus, are you… feeling okay?” Thomas asked him. “Last night, you said that you were going to miss us and something about being gone soon… and you really drank  _ a lot _ . Is something wrong?”

Well, double crap. He must have forgotten that being drunk around the others was an awful idea. 

He let a confident smile spread across his face.

“I’m perfectly fine, Thomas,” he replied. “Aside from a  _ slight _ headache, but that will go away soon enough. You shouldn’t take my words so seriously when I’m drunk, Thomas. It was probably just gibberish.”

He wanted to leave, but Patton shuffled even closer to him, now practically giving him a one-armed hug. 

The others didn’t seem to like his response, either.

“Janus, you can tell us if you’re having problems,” spoke Thomas. “We care about you, and we don’t want you to duck out, or…”

Thomas trailed off, and that was when Deceit realized what conclusion the others had come to.

“Not to worry, Thomas. I’m not going anywhere,” he denied Thomas’s worries. “I  _ truly _ don’t know why I said what I said. Everything’s  _ completely fine _ .”

Deceit hoped that they would drop the issue and let him go. He didn’t want the others to find out the true meaning behind his words. 

“Falsehood.”

“Yeah, Snakey, we know you’re lying!”

Deceit sputtered at being called out.

“ _ Me? Lie?” _ he questioned, trying to deflect the conversation. “When do I  _ ever _ do that?”

“... Literally all the time, Lyin’ King.”

“Ah, well, I’m telling the truth now,” Deceit argued. “You all know I  _ can _ tell the truth when it suits me.”

Suddenly, Virgil was right in front of him.

“Okay, enough bullshit,” he growled. “We all know the truth rarely ‘suits you’, and we all know you’re lying right now, so sit your ass down on the couch and tell us what the  _ hell _ is wrong with you because you’re freaking everyone out!”

“Oh, I never knew you  _ cared _ , Virgil,” Deceit drawled in an attempt to rile the other side up so he could leave.

It didn’t really work.

“Sit. Down.”

Deceit didn’t really have a choice in the matter, as Virgil grabbed one of his arms and dragged him over to the piece of furniture. He made him sit down and then, surprisingly, he sat down next to him, keeping one hand firmly grasping his shoulder.

“We all know something’s up, so  _ talk _ .”

It seemed like everyone’s worry was affecting Virgil, putting the side on edge. Wasn’t that just  _ great _ .

“I already told you,” Deceit insisted. “I’m  _ fine _ . I was just drunk.”

“Ducking out isn’t going to help anything, Deceit.”

“I do not intend to ‘duck out’, Virgil. You’re all just jumping to conclusions.”

“We wouldn’t have to jump to conclusions if you just  _ told us _ what’s wrong!”

“As I said, there’s  _ nothing to tell _ .”

Then, Thomas stepped back in front of him.

“Janus, we’re just worried. I know that the truth isn’t really your thing, but we want to make sure you’re okay,” he said. “Last night, it sounded like you were saying goodbye. And you’re a part of me, so it’s not like you can actually go anywhere without the rest of us being there. So, if we’re wrong about what we thought you meant, what  _ did _ you mean?”

“How am I supposed to know? Oh, Drunk Deceit, please explain yourself! Oh, you don’t  _ remember _ ?” Deceit mocked. “Oh well, can’t be helped.”

He knew he was being antagonistic, but he wanted to leave. If he could just annoy Virgil enough, he would probably storm out, and Deceit could leave before anyone else grabbed onto him. But after a moment of silence, Virgil spoke up.

“You know, Thomas, you can make him tell us. If you really want to know something, you can.”

Deceit tensed while Thomas seemed to consider the option, and when he saw a resigned expression make its way onto Thomas’s face, his chest filled itself with ice.

“Thomas, no-”

“Janus,” Thomas spoke sadly. “I don’t want to force you to tell us, but we need to know what’s wrong so we can help you.”

Deceit tried to get up, but Virgil was strong.

“Thomas, don’t. There’s nothing-”

“Deceit. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Thomas’s voice had a certain edge to it, the edge that made it into an order that the sides couldn’t refuse. 

“I don’t want to delete my memories again,” Deceit said against his will.

With wide eyes, he slapped a hand over his own mouth.

Crap.

_ Crap, crap, crap. _

“Wh… Delete your…”

Deceit could see that the others were all trying to process what exactly he meant. Logan was the first one who seemed to figure it out.

“Oh,” he gasped. “Janus is Deceit, but he also controls repression.”

He came closer, looking Deceit in the eye.

“Janus, do you repress your own memories?”

“What? Why would he do that?” Virgil questioned demandingly, glaring right at Deceit.

Deceit let his hand fall from his face in defeat.

“Oh,  _ do _ keep talking like I’m not here,” he grouched, turning his face so he wasn’t looking directly at anyone.

“Kiddo…”

“We’re gonna need more of an explanation than that, buddy…”

Deceit sighed in annoyance.

“You know very well that I don’t want to give one!” he snapped. “But I suppose you’re going to force it out of me, aren’t you?”

He turned back, glaring at them, his eyes narrowing in a challenge.

“Fine. Yes, I repress my memories. Happy now?”

Everyone was staring at him.

“... Janus, how many memories do you repress?”

He scoffed.

“No, seriously, Janus,” Thomas spoke sternly. “You don’t, like, reset yourself, do you? Is that why you acted like you were leaving?”

He crossed his arms, gritting his teeth.

“No, Thomas. I do not, ‘reset’ myself. Don’t you think you all would have  _ noticed _ if I didn’t remember anything?”

“Well, then how much gets repressed, Lies and Dolls?”

Deceit rolled his eyes. 

“Janus.”

“Dee.”

“Deceit.”

“What, do you want an exact number? That’s not how it works!”

Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Deceit understood the feeling.

“Just… Please explain, Deceit… I don’t want to force you again.”

Deceit let out an angry hiss.

“It’s none of your business what I do!”

“Actually, as aspects of Thomas’s personality, I do believe it is his business.”

“No one asked you!”

“Kiddo!”

“Or you!”

“ **ENOUGH!** ”

At the sound of Virgil’s Voice, everyone immediately fell silent.

“ **EXPLAIN. NOW.** ”

Deceit’s heartbeat picked up. Now he  _ really _ wanted to escape, but Virgil’s grip remained just as strong. He knew he wouldn’t be able to break out of it.

“...  _ Fine _ …,” he gave in. “Every year, I go through my memories and repress most of them.”

“YOU WHAT-”

“Jesus  _ fuck _ , Dee-”

Deceit hissed again.

“... Why do you do that, bud?”

He huffed. 

“It just makes things… easier, I supposed.”

Deceit hated this. He didn’t want the others to know this. But they had forced him to tell, forced him to explain, and now they knew. 

“Easier  _ how _ ?”

“Because remembering things is  _ fucking _ hard!” Deceit growled. “Why  _ should _ I remember things when remembering just makes me feel like  _ shit?! _ ”

“That’s… That’s a lot to unpack…,” Thomas responded, running a hand through his hair. “So, you repress memories that make you feel bad?”

Deceit narrowed his eyes at him.

“Janus, that’s not… that’s not a healthy coping mechanism.”

“Well, neither is binge drinking, but you’ve all caught onto that one too, now haven’t you?”

“Jesus Christ…”

“Oh, shut up, Roman,” Deceit snapped again. “Like all of your coping mechanisms are ‘healthy’.”

“This isn’t about Roman, Janus. This is about you,” Thomas stated. “... How much  _ do _ you remember, Janus?”

He pretended to inspect his nails, even though he was wearing gloves.

“Janus.”

Deceit sighed.

“From before this year? Not much more than a basic understanding of major events and my relationships with you all. And what you’re all like personality-wise, of course,” he responded with a defeated huff. “I remember  _ your _ major life events, Thomas. I remember that Creativity split and that the mindscape was separated into Light and Dark, though I don’t remember why or how. I remember that Remus and I are friends and that the rest of you didn’t tolerate my presence until recently. I also know that Virgil and I used to be friends, but that we had some kind of fight and he left shortly afterward. I don’t remember things like individual conversations or things I’ve done day-to-day. My memories from before this year are like reading a quick summary on Wikipedia… and the summary is short… and vague… and doesn’t list any credible sources…”

Deceit kept his voice sounding cold and detached while everyone else stared at him in shock. Not remembering things really did help keep away the emotions that attached themselves to memories.

“... You… don’t remember… what happened…?”

The voice, now uncharacteristically soft, was Virgil’s.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific, dear. But probably not.”

Virgil glared at him.

“ _ Anything! _ You don’t remember us being friends or why we  _ stopped _ being friends?!” Virgil shouted. “Were you just  _ pretending _ to be my friend because you knew you were supposed to be?! Is that why you…”

Deceit sighed.

“No, Virgil. I only deleted a few memories back then. Mostly things from before the split,” he answered. “I didn’t do anything to the memories of you until after you left.”

Virgil let out a dry laugh.

“But right now, you don’t remember why?”

“No, I don’t,” he confirmed. “I know I did something that made you angry, but I don’t know what it was or how it happened.”

Virgil buried his face in his hands, letting out another humorless laugh.

“Jesus  _ fuck _ ,” he cursed. “Janus, I left because you wouldn’t stop  _ drinking _ , and you refused to try to stop or get help. I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“Ah. Well, that’s one mystery solved.”

Virgil’s head shot up with a snarl.

“It wouldn’t  _ be _ a fucking  _ mystery _ if you didn’t fuck around with your own memories, Deceit!”

Deceit snarled back at him, and then Patton began to wave his hands in the air.

“Okay, kiddos, let’s just try to calm down a bit.”

“But-!”

“No, Patton’s right,” Thomas chimed in. “Yelling at each other isn’t going to solve anything.”

He caught Deceit’s attention.

“Janus. You said you  _ didn’t _ want to delete your memories. Why do it if you don’t want to?” Thomas asked, changing the subject. 

“No, I said I don’t want to delete  _ these _ memories. I’m reasonably certain that I very much wanted the other memories gone,” Deceit corrected. “I quite like most of the recent ones. There’s a few that I’d rather get rid of entirely, though.”

“... But if you don’t want to delete them, and they don’t make you feel bad, why are you acting like you’re going to delete them, anyway?”

“Because I am,” Deceit stated flatly. “I realized a while ago that it was better to delete most things regardless of how I felt about them. Even happy memories can become twisted later, you know.”

“Janus, that’s…”

“Yes, we’ve been over this, It’s an ‘unhealthy coping mechanism’. I get it.”

“That’s putting it lightly.”

“I  _ still _ don’t believe I asked for your opinion, Roman.”

Thomas sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“Janus, are your memories just… gone forever, then? Or can you get them back?”

Deceit raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, no, they’re not completely gone. They’re… around, somewhere,” he told his host. “But before you ask, I’m not remembering them.”

“W-!”

Thomas put a hand up to stop Virgil.

“So, you  _ can _ remember them if you want to?”

“ _ Yes _ , I already said that.”

Thomas’s shoulders slumped. 

“Can you at least promise not to delete any more of them? You said you didn’t want to, right?”

“I’m not promising that.”

“Dude, we are  _ not _ letting you keep pulling this.”

Deceit barked out a laugh.

“Oh? And how do you intend to stop me, Virgil? You can’t keep me out of my own head.”

Virgil growled and tightened his grip. 

“Fine. Then I’ll  _ make _ you remember them.”

“And how do you intend to do that, exactly?”

“I’ll  _ figure it out _ .”

“Oooo, what a  _ magnificent _ plan, Virgil. Do update me on how that goes. Or don’t. I’m not going to remember this conversation, anyway,” Deceit challenged.

At this, Virgil moved his hand so it was pulling Deceit up by the shirt instead.

“Hey, let’s not get violent, kiddos,” Patton cut in again, making Virgil let go of Deceit.

Before he could sink out, Patton’s arms were wrapped around him.

“Janus… I’m sorry that you felt bad enough that you want to forget everything…,” Patton told him. “But you have good memories, too- memories that make you  _ happy _ . I know you do. You said so yourself, right?”

“Yes, but I  _ told _ you-”

“Let me finish, kiddo,” Patton instructed. “I know that memories can hurt sometimes. We all have things that we would rather forget. But even bad memories have a purpose, Janus. They can help us learn from our mistakes or make us appreciate the good times even more. And no matter what our memories make us feel, they make up who we are.”

“Patton-”

“I know you don’t want to remember. I know you want to forget…,” Patton took in a long, shaky breath. “So, I’m sorry about this, kiddo.”

And suddenly, they were in Patton’s room. Deceit was confused for a moment before small tendrils of memory started to rise up in his mind. He flinched and tried to get out of Patton’s hold so he could run away, but he couldn’t get out of the other side’s arms.

“Wait, what just happened? Why are we in Patton’s room?”

“... Oh, this is an excellent idea, Patton,” Logan praised as he realized what Patton was doing. “Patton’s room is full of memories and it makes us feel nostalgic. It’s likely that being in here will make Janus’s memories resurface.”

That was putting it lightly. Deceit could feel his memories rising up like waves in a storm, and sinking down into their depths felt inevitable.

“NO!” 

“It’s going to be okay, kiddo…”

“LET ME GO!”

He tried to free himself again, but just when Patton almost lost his grip, another set of arms wrapped around him.

“Stop fighting us, Dee…,” spoke Remus, his voice strangely soft. “I… I don’t want you to forget all the time we’ve spent together… I’m sorry I didn’t notice this sooner…”

A memory started playing out in his mind. It was when he first met Remus, after the split. Remus had been so scared then...

“It’s okay…”

Patton was slowly running circles into his back, whispering calming words into his ear.

Then another memory came, this one being an even older memory of baking cookies with Patton. This was followed with a memory of one of their arguments on morals, on whether Deceit was evil.

“STOP IT! LET  _ GO _ OF ME!”

“This is for your own good, K. K. SLieder.”

Roman kept his distance, but he was looking at him with concern.

He remembered his little semi-secret chats with Roman, conversations filled with pretty little lies and compliments. A feeling of guilt welled up within him as he remembered that he knew Roman would be devastated if he figured out that many of his compliments were lies.

A hand momentarily placed itself on his head.

“Janus, I know you don’t agree with me, but I believe knowledge is power,” said Logan. “What you don’t know  _ can _ hurt you. And what you  _ do _ know can help.”

He remembered playing with Logan back when they were kids. Logan would always complain that he wanted to read, but once they got started on a game, he would have a good time. On sunny days, he would drag Logan outside with him and the others. On rainy days in the imagination, they would play board games. Logan loved Scrabble, and he usually won. That’s right. They used to get along, didn’t they?

And then there were hands on his face, forcing him to look up into Virgil’s eyes.

“Janus,” he spoke, his voice serious. “I’m sorry for leaving. I didn’t know it would hurt you so badly that you would force yourself to forget our entire friendship. But I knew you were hurting, and I left for the sake of my own mental health. I was mad, I’m  _ still _ kinda mad, but I never stopped caring about you. You need to remember, Jan.”

He shook his head.

“No… It hurts…”

“I know. But you have to.”

Deceit didn’t really have a choice as the memories finally washed over him completely. He remembered all the times he spent with Virgil. He remembered watching tv with him in the Dark Sides common room. He remembered eating dinner with him and Remus. He remembered comforting Virgil after a nightmare. He remembered Virgil rubbing his back while he threw up. He remembered Virgil quietly suggesting he stop drinking so much. Then he remembered Virgil’s suggestions becoming louder. He remembered the fighting. And he remembered the tears in Virgil’s eyes, the slam of the door, the way he felt when he realized Virgil’s room was  _ gone _ . 

He remembered  _ everything _ . He remembered how much things  _ hurt _ . He remembered everything that made him cry, made him yell, made him drown his emotions in a bottle of wine. 

But he also remembered the things that made him laugh. Things that made him smile. Happy memories he had forgotten he even once had began to join in the sad ones. Patton’s hugs. Logan’s curiosity. Roman’s passion. Remus’s excitement. Virgil’s smile. 

Even the good memories hurt, but they hurt in a different way. They made him ache with longing, ache for the time the memories originated from. 

_ He missed this _ .

By the time the memories started slowing down, Janus’s eyes were filled with tears, and those tears were streaming down his face. He was sobbing into Patton’s shirt, and at some point, all of the others had joined into a group hug surrounding him. They didn’t let go until his sobs quieted down and his breathing stabled.

“... I didn’t want to remember…” 

Someone knelt in front of him. When had he ended up on the floor?

“It’ll be okay, Janus. We’re all here for you. You don’t have to deal with your pain alone,” Thomas reassured, his tone comforting. “It hurts now, but it’ll get better. And we’ll help you get through it. Okay?”

Janus shook his head. He wanted to forget again.

“We love you, Janus. We really do. You’re not alone.”

If he hadn’t already used up all of his tears, he probably would have started crying again. 

“ _ Please _ , just let us help you.”

Janus wanted to deny him. He wanted to break away, sink out to his bedroom, and comb through his memories and delete them. He didn’t want to feel these things. He wanted to go back to what he had grown used to.

But he couldn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this turned out longer and angstier than I intended. I don’t even know where the alcoholism thing came from. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
